I felt light, I felt elated. I'd just spent 5 days in Bangkok negotiating a tough transaction with a client and it had concluded on a positive note.

I parted company with my Thai hosts at 10pm after dinner and in the solitude of my room, I accepted the inviting comfort of my bed and closed my eyes. I felt the accumulated wear and tear of the week catch up and allowed it to overwhelm me as I closed my eyes for a few minutes of respite.

I wonder what time it was and the watch says its 10.30pm Filled the jacuzzi up and I jump into its steaming, bubbling arms.

Aaahhh! This was GOOoooodddd!

I soak in its warm kisses for an eternity

With a heavy towel around my waist, I break out a cold beer and turn on the TV. Its doubly hilarious listening to Eddy Murphy speak....and curse.. in Thai in Beverly Hills Cop II. Boom, boom, boom.....

Boom... boom ....Boom. The sound system of a cluster of bars across the road gently pulls me to my window. Drawing the curtains, I see the music drifting in from across the road, like a sublimal mantra "Come to me, come to me, come to me..."

The jacuzzi seemed to have done its job well in refreshing me.

Curious, I pull on my jeans and a white cotton shirt and was crossing the road to the bars within 5 minutes.

"Welcome to Nana Plaza! Wanna buy a Rolex?" beckoned a tout

I had heard of this place before but never had the time to visit the area. Nana Plaza is a compound packed with more than 20 A- Go-Go bars and beer gardens.

Girls were everywhere, and everyone was trying to pull any pedestrian into its establishment.

The neon lights of PlaySkool said that I should come in.... so I went in. I walk right into a raised stage of 20 dancing naked girls gyrating on dance-poles.

I pick up my jaw that just dropped to the ground and rolled my toungue back into my head. I might enjoy this. A waitress seats me on the front row and I ordered a beer which didnt seem too expensive at 100 baht given the show on hand.

But it got boring after a while.

Draining the last few golden bubbly drops, I leave the bar and spend the next 2 hours having a beer each at 6 different bars.

I love beer.

By the 7th bar, I was getting bored and irritated. The bars were all jammed full of humanity and nobody seemed friendly enough to talk to.... except my beers who were my best friends.

I had had enough fun in Nana and was walking towards the main road back to my room when she caught my eye.

At about 5ft 10in and curves on her body like a sleek cheetah, she was sitting outside this bar called the Casanova.

"Come in Sir. Cheap beer... only 100B" I walk in expecting a barful of short girls and packed with patrons that I'd seen for the past couple of hours....just like in every bar in Nana.

I was wrong.

I stepped into the bar and was immediately surrounded by a mob of some of the most beautiful women I'd seen in Thailand. Seemed this bar was much more discerning in picking staff who were actually pretty and tall.

6 pairs of hands guide me to a chair. I look around again and there's only 2 other men in the bar in their corners nursing their drinks. I rub my eyes and pinched myself. I was awake.

An entire harem of beautiful women and only 3 guys (including me)..... A scene like this occurs only in one's wildest dreams. I break into a huge grin like a kid let loose in a candy store...."I want TWO beers!"

I was the main focus of shoulder massages, "You hansum man" compliments, winks, genuine smiles and attention.....LOTS of attention

Man, I thought to myself " I learned something new today......white guys like short and dark-skinned women.... and that's why a bar full of beautiful, tall, fair-skinned ladies dont appeal to them.

...and they danced well too.

I was in heaven.....without any competition for attention.

I caught the eye of one of the other guys and we exchanged knowing nods. I bring my 2 beers over to him and introduced myself "Isnt this great?"

Greg (that's his name, from Sydney) and me seemed to hit it off as soul-bottle-brothers. We just about had the place and the girls to ourselves.

I like him, he seemed to have an eternal grin on his face. "You always so happy? What're you grinning about?" I asked innocently. "naah, its just me, ....I'm just happy to meet you!"

Now there's Nancy, Gigi, Emma, Noy and Sara.... they're all surrounding me.

Gigi hints "u like me hansum man?"

"uh, yeah...?" as I sucked down my 6th beer

"u so macho!" squealed Emma

"uh, really...?" as I looked down at my fat gut

"u first time here?" asked Nancy

"uh, no!" I lied

"u like my massage?" croaked the guy behind me

"I....huh?" I turn around and see only Noy and Sara kneading my shoulders.

I continue enjoying my beer.

"u dont like my massage?" croaked the guy again

I turn around and search behind half expecting to find Greg...... these Aussies and their pranks

I dont see him.....ahh....he's at the cashier checking out for the night.

Sara grabs me by the chin and turns me around to face her "what wrong my massage? you dont like?" she croaked.

So it was Sara asking me for the 3rd time.

"err Sara...you better go see a doctor, your voice ....I think you've got a bad throat infection"

"my voice OK! I speaking like this normal! Sisters talk like this hansum man"

"Sisters? Your sisters work here too?" I wondered aloud

"Yes, we all Sisters!" chimes in Gigi

"gee.....I see.....but you dont look related" maybe they used 'Sisters', like I'd use the term 'Brothers' with my poker buddies back home.

"We SISTERS.....we most beauty Sisters in Bangkok!" said Sara with the bad throat

With the biggest eyes, Noy peers into me and asks "you like we Ladyboys?"

"Ladyboys?" as I slowly put Beer number 9 on the table

Beautiful girls in empty bar + croaking voice + strong hands massaging my shoulders + "Ladyboys" and multiply all that by 100 and I SUDDENLY BECOME STONE SOBER.

I look again carefully "....you you you...mean you're .......men?" I whimpered

"NO, NO, we not man! We Ladyboys!" insisted Noy

"Want to see?" Nancy asks me in all innocence as she puts her hand on her crotch

I'm trying to look cool "No!"

Beneath the now-throbbing techno music, it became clear... I had walked into a bar operated by transvestites and transsexuals.....a bar where everyone was a .......man.... and where I was now the only customer.

"Stay Cool... stay cool!" my brain screamed at me.

The front door's a good 30 feet away, I hadn't paid for my drinks yet and I'm surrounded by 6 beautiful guys!

Faking a huge yawn... "I'm very tired......ladies....going back to sleep....bill.... please?"

At this point I prayed quietly and promised Him that I'd go to church every Sunday if He got me out of this bar in one piece.

Still acting as cool as I could try to act, I pull out a 1000 Baht bill to pay for my drinks.

I reach for my beer and lifted the bottle to my mouth for one huge non-stop chug. I notice my hand shaking and the bottle rattling against my teeth. "The air-con is SO COLD in here!" I exclaimed.

They began jostling for my attention and love....

"You take me back?"
"I love you"
"You hansum man!"
"Only ME you take ok?"
"You...me...OK?"
"I most beautiful!"
"I want you to touch me... there"

I start to sweat on my forehead...."Its HOT in here!" as I tried to stay calm with 12 hands tugging at my pants and shirt in 15 directions. I slap a wandering hand trying to undo my zipper "Shoo! Naughty!"

What had seemed a beautiful harem of women were now a gang of hungry sharks getting into a feeding frenzy. In 2 minutes, I'd fought 3 attempts at getting my belt or zipper undone while I tried desperately to make sure my wallet stayed safe.....but paid the price with a shirt that got unbottoned down to its last hole.....while fighting off other manicured fingers caressing my bare (hairy) chest

Now I know how the African wildebeest felt as vultures tore into its still breathing body and devoured it alive while its heart was still beating. I could still draw an analogy in my darkest minutes.

On National Geographic, a lion or crocodile would often put that wildebeest out of its misery.

I pull out a small stack of 100 Baht bills and wave them desperately at the bartender. He must have been witness to this one sided massacare many times as he grabs my money, stuffs a couple in his jeans and walks away with the rest of my money in his hands!

But it worked....there was a mad rush in his direction by a dozen sized 42 feet on high heels. I was a carcas they had no more interest in. And from vultures, they suddenly became pigeons at feeding time as my money was eagerly distributed.

I pick up my ego and slinked out of the bar as quietly as I could.

Outside Casanova, the cool night air slaps at my face like spring water as I straightened myself.

Like Rambo escaping from the cell of a Middle Eastern terrorist camp, I staggered, with chin held up high, back to my hotel

End

Author's Note: The story above is purely fictitious (Please! You gotta believe me!)